Friday, October 16, 2009

Just Say "No"

Bomp…bomp…bomp… I hear someone knocking on the door.

“Honey, can you get that?” My wife, Sharon, asks from the kitchen. Putting down the remote and dragging myself out of my favorite lazyboy, I walk to the front door and open it. Great, its my neighbor from two houses down.

“Hi, come on in.” I tell him opening the door wider so he can step in.

“I’ll only be a sec.” He says, “Did you by chance get a package in the last few days?”

“No, why?” I casually ask while trying to keep a straight face.

“My son’s girlfriend said she’s been waiting for a package and that she put my address on it. The problem is, that it hasn’t shown up yet and now she’s thinking that maybe she gave the shippers the wrong address.”

“No, I haven’t seen it, but if I do then I’ll let you know.”

“Thanks.” He walked back outside and I watched as he headed to the next neighbor’s house.

“Who was that, Ray?” I hear Sharon ask from the kitchen.

“It was Derryl from two houses down.”

“He wasn’t here long, what did he want?

“You know that box from the other day…” I hesitated, leaning around the entry to the kitchen to look at her.

“You mean… that was his?”

“Yep.”

“What did you tell him?”

“Not that we threw it away, just that we hadn’t seen it. He said it was something that his son’s girlfriend had ordered.” I don’t think I’ve seen Sharon’s eyes get that big before in my life.

So, let me tell you about this package we received, the package that I just told my neighbor we didn’t, to clue you in a little bit…

I work for the Army. I had one of the shittiest days on record and was listening to my favorite Nickleback song when I pulled into my driveway. Walking up to my front porch I notice this package, right? So, I look at the info, it has my address on it but not my name. It had a name that I’ve never even heard of. I know all of my neighbors and it definitely wasn’t one of their names. I searched the box for a return sender, or something identifiable as to where it came from, nada, nothing, zip.

I did the only logical thing I could, and took it inside. When Sharon came home, she looked it over too and still no additional clues were found.

After debating back and forth with my wife we decided to open it. I pulled out my pocket knife and cut the tape. The box was filled with packing peanuts so we started to fish. One bad thing led to another.

Now, I’ve seen some pretty nasty stuff being in the military and all, but this was beyond anything I’d even seen. My poor wife- all I wanted to do was shield her poor eyes.

Inside was hard core porn, wait, even worse than hard core. This was bad enough to make the “hard core” seem girlie. Not only did we find porn though, the more we fished the more the box had to reveal. There were sex toys of all sorts, how to manuals, and stuff I won’t even mention. It was just too appalling.

I packed the box back up as quick as I could, went to the basement and dug out the tape gun we hadn’t used since Christmas, and taped the sucker shut.

I ripped off the address label and burned it, then put the entire box, contents and all, into my garbage can. Thank God it was garbage pickup the following day.

Okay, so now, imagine me telling my neighbor as casually as possible that I hadn’t see the box he was looking nor it’s contents within the last few days… ha ha.

Now, lets see if you can top that story.

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